I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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