you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
