I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
And then he peed in my hair
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