i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
