I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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