her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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