so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
