why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
