New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
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I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
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Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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