I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I intend to get homeless drunk
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
