Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
