he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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