I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
