You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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