its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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