Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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