And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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