Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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