He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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