Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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