I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
