Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
