I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Randomize
