I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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