how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
