I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
