Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
