i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
