I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
the day after is always just damage control
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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