i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
