I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
