Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
