I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
