my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
