Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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