And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
