Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
