I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Randomize
