I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
