I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
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