I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
