no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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