Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
