Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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