Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
