I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
