Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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