you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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