The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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