I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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