There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
