this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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