Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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