Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
