I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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