i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
