yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You left your underwear on the fireplace
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
