so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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