so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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