Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
