I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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