I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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